“Lotus Love” Chapter 6- North American Tour: The Circus, Injury & Return to the Dharma

Chapter 6- North American Tour: The Circus and Injury

After six years spent living in Vermont, Jennifer was ready for a change of scenery and lifestyle.  She packed two bags full of her favorite clothes and jewelry and flew to Texas where she would meet the cast and crew of “Cirque Ingenieux,” a brand new production of nouveau cirque that would be the first of its kind, a circus staged in a proscenium theater setting.  She had been hired for her musical theater background and cast in the sole speaking role of the show as the Ringmistress.  She would also play several other ensemble roles as an “Imagineer,” dancing, clowning and storytelling.  The cast members flew in from all over the world, some of them professional third generation performers of circus families.  The contortionists came from Mongolia, the strength act from Poland, the rhythmic gymnast from Slovakia, the trapeze artists from Japan and Canada, the silk aeriel artist from Russia, the juggler from Germany and the illusionist from Ukraine.  Gymnasts, acrobats and dancers rounded out the company, some of them Olympic athletes.  Jennifer was thrilled to be a member of such a talented and international group of artists.  She felt a bit out of place without any circus or acrobatic skills to bring to the company, but she soon found her place as the directors asked her to develop her role of the Ringmistress and other characters throughout the story.

After a month of intense rehearsals the company was ready to open the show in Dallas, Texas.  This happened to be the current home of her mother and stepfather who had relocated after she left home to go to college.  It was exciting to open a show to an audience of three thousand people with her parents right there in the orchestra section as support.  For the next five months Jennifer played to audiences all over the country, in just about every state’s largest cities.  The show was a great success and sold out in most venues.  The cast and crew grew very close and became like family to each other.

During the winter months in the middle of the tour Jennifer decided to bring her snowboard along with her.  The tour manager advised against it but she did not heed her warning.  They were touring the West Coast and while sitting in Los Angeles for a week long booking of the show she decided to rent a car and drive out to the San Bernardino National Forest and ride at Snow Valley Resort where a contact from Burton Snowboards was working.  The first day was great; she rode the park and was landing all of her jumps well.  She returned back to L.A. for the show just in time for the curtain and was full of energy.  The second day she rose early again to make the commute to the mountain.  She was feeling a bit tired that day and was not picking the best lines in the park and kept landing her jumps flat.  Instead of calling her day short when her energy had run out she took one last run just after the sun had set behind the hill and the soft snow had started to freeze and harden over.  The snow was much faster now and she went into a very large jump with way too much speed.  As she took flight off the jump she knew she was in trouble.  She gasped in the air as her consciousness tried to keep calm as she lofted over sixty feet into the air and flew a good sixty feet deep, way past the sloped landing.  Her body could not possibly absorb the impact of the landing without a fall and when she hit the ground her torso over-rotated and the weight of her body fell backwards on top of her left arm.  As she lay on the snow she was gratefully surprised to be aware and fully conscious.  She had been afraid that the impact of her fall may have resulted in a bad head or spinal injury.  She slowly sat up and realized that her hat and goggles had fallen off when her head had hit the slope.  She reached down to pick them up and realized that her left arm was not working.  As she raised her left arm with her right one she felt and heard the two bones of her lower arm snap like two chopsticks.  That’s when the pain kicked in.  As soon as she realized she had injured her arm she quickly began to snowboard down the hill and chant mantras to Tara, the Goddess who protects beings from suffering and fear.

When she arrived at the base of the hill she awkwardly unfastened her bindings and walked into the first aid office.  The attendant was on the phone and Jennifer could not wait patiently for the call to be finished.  She interrupted with an alarmed voice, “Excuse me, but I think I may have broken my arm!” The attendant put down the phone and asked to examine her arm.  As soon as she released the weight of her arm the pain grew unbearable and she screamed out.  The attendant immediately realized the severity of the injury, ended her call and called an ambulance.  The wait for the ambulance seemed like an eternity.  The closest hospital was back in the valley over one hour away.  When the paramedics finally arrived they asked to cut off the sleeves of her clothing so they could examine her arm.  Within seconds they told her that she had a compound fracture and that she needed immediate attention from a doctor.  They attempted to wrap the arm in a make-shift sling to help support the bones and ease the pain but this only seemed to make it hurt even more.  She cried out in pain and they offered her valium and a ride back to the hospital in the ambulance.  She was uninsured at the time and declined both the valium and the ambulance ride.  Her friend offered to drive her to the hospital.  On the drive down into the valley she made a call on her friend’s cell phone to the tour manager to explain that she would not be able to make it to the show that night. She told her what hospital she was headed to and that they should call there later on to find out her status.  That was all she knew at this point.

When they arrived at the emergency room she signed in and was told to take a seat and wait.  The waiting room was crowded but no one else seemed to be in as much pain as Jennifer.  After about ten minutes of waiting she returned to the registration desk and asked how long she was expected to wait.  She explained that she had a bone sticking out of her skin and that she was in an intense amount of pain.  The nurse routinely told her that it was a busy day and that she would have to wait her turn.  This was too much for Jennifer and she marched herself right through the swinging doors and called out “I need a doctor!”  She was ushered into an examination room by one of the nurses who was passing by and told that someone would be in shortly to take care of her.  No one came.  Jennifer needed to desperately relieve herself but would need help as she could not release the weight of her arm without further damage.  She called out for a nurse and finally someone came in to see what she needed.  Unfortunately it was a male nurse and she awkwardly explained the situation and asked if he could find her a female nurse to assist her in the bathroom.  Once this hurdle was overcome she was offered a pain medication through a drip.  At this point she welcomed it as the pain had intensified as the adrenaline of the accident and the harsh reality of the injury became more and more tangible to her.  She was taken in for x-rays and this was also unbearably painful as they had to move the arm into several different positions to take the images from different angles.  The technician was very apologetic.

When she returned to the examination room the surgeon came in to discuss the procedure with her.  She had a double compound fracture, one in the radius and one in the ulna.  Her bone had been exposed to the air for a long time and would need to be flushed out to prevent any infection.  The surgeon would then have to re-align the bones and screw metal plates into them both with four screws on each side as support.  He showed her the x-rays and she was horrified.  The bones had splintered when they broke and it would be no easy job for the surgeon to repair them.  He explained that this was a severe injury and that he could not guarantee success.  He had her sign countless papers and told her that she may not have an arm when she awoke from the procedure.  He said there would be a chance of amputation due to infection.  There would be no chance of the surgery happening until after midnight.  The operating rooms were booked with heart surgeries and other life threatening cases.  She was on the bottom of the list.

Jennifer tried to take all of this in as best she could.  She wanted to call home and let her family know that she was headed into surgery.  She walked out of the examining room and to a nurse station.  They allowed her to make a call home.  She did not want to worry her family but knew it was the only responsible thing to do.  Her mother and father both received the news with worry and fear.  Her sister in Seattle was the closest to California so she quickly booked a flight for the next day to be with Jennifer.  Her mother in Texas booked a flight for the following day.

Finally at one o’clock in the morning Jennifer was prepped for surgery.  The anesthesiologist had gone home for the night and needed to be called back in for this one final procedure.  The nurses took a picture of Jennifer on the stretcher just before it was rolled into the operating room.  They lay her snowboard across the handlebars of the bed and took a Polaroid picture of her for good luck.  They wrote a message on it- “Keep up the Boardin’!”  She was then wheeled into the O.R. and put under.

The next morning she woke up in the I.C.U. under the fog of medication.  A nurse was sitting at her side.  Jennifer was filled with joy and gratitude to be alive and called out to the nurse, “I love you!”  The nurse just laughed and said “You put up a good fight last night, they really did a number on you.”  She looked down at her arm and saw that it was severely swollen with two large incisions on both sides stapled grotesquely together like Frankenstein.  The nurse told her not to look at her arm just now, to give it time and get some rest.  Although Jennifer was shocked by the sight of her arm she was just grateful that she still had two of them.

When she woke up later she was in a recovery room and the phone was ringing.  She picked it up and it was her friend from the Circus, Sergei, calling to check in on her.  He said he had rented a car and was coming to the hospital to pick her up and bring her back to the theater for that night’s performance.  She told him that she probably wouldn’t be discharged by the doctor so soon.  He said not to worry and that he would be there soon.  It felt good to hear his reassuring words and she drifted back to sleep.

An hour later she was woken by Sergei and Youri who were standing at the side of her bed whispering.  She was so glad to see their faces but asked them what they were talking about so secretively.  They explained that they were planning to sneak her out of the hospital before the nurse came back in.  They had asked about her discharge and the staff informed them that she wouldn’t be able to leave for another day or two.  Youri assured her that she would be fine leaving early and that they could easily adjust her costume to cover the injured arm.  She wanted to believe them; she wanted to return back to the Circus with all her heart.  But her instinct told her that this was much too serious of an injury.  As tough and determined as she was there would be no going back to the Circus so soon.  When they asked her to sit up so they could carry her out of the hospital to the car she simply was too weak and it hurt her arm too much to move.  Her arm had not yet been set in a cast as it was too swollen from the surgery at that point.  Sergei felt her pain and agreed that she best stay under the care of the doctors.  They heard the nurse coming down the hall and they quickly told her they’d be back the next day to check in on her again.  As they swiftly left the room her heart sank deeply into her gut.  At that point she knew she would not be returning back to the Circus.

Later that day her sister arrived from Seattle and it was so good to have her love and support.  It was not so good to see her reaction to the seeping stapled scars on her arm, however.  Anne whinced and turned her head quickly away at first glance of the injury.  “I had no idea it was that bad!” she told Jennifer.  “My God!” Anne continued, “It’s awful! It looks like they took a chainsaw to your arm!”

“Thanks, Anne.  That’s just what I need to hear.  So glad you came all the way here to support me.” Jennifer replied with the routine sarcasm that they had all grown up using with each other.  It was so good to have Anne there with her.  She understood the emotional pain her younger sister was experiencing which was actually harder for Jennifer to process than the physical pain.  “Do you think I’ll be able to return to the show?” she asked her sister.  “Maybe,” Anne replied. “But not any time soon.  Let’s ask the doctor the next time he comes in what his prognosis is.”

Just then the surgeon entered the room.  He had a stern look on his face.  “Hello.  I am Dr. Emembelou.  You are Jennifer’s sister?  She is a very lucky young lady.  She almost lost her arm last night.  We fought very hard to save it.  We stayed up all night in surgery- it took us twelve hours to flush out all the infection and then put it all back together.  Many people worked very hard for her.  Jennifer, your body is precious and what you did was very irresponsible.  This wasn’t a chance accident; this is the result of a bad choice you made for foolish entertainment.”  Jennifer sat there in shamed silence, she knew what he said was true.  Instead of taking pity on her, the doctor was the one person who held her responsible for her actions and forced her to look at the reality of the situation.  Although some people may have been insulted to be lectured by a stranger, Jennifer was grateful to this man for saving her arm and for his honesty.  “Thank you, doctor” Jennifer said with much sincerity in her voice and eyes.  “May I ask where you are from? Your accent sounds African.”

“I am from Zimbabwe,” he replied as he inspected her arm and said that the swelling had gone down enough to be cast.  He scheduled her for later the next day after which she could be discharged.  The two sisters thanked him for all his help and he promptly left the room.  As soon as he was out of earshot, Anne seized the opportunity to lighten the atmosphere with an impromptu imitation of the doctor’s deep African accent.  “Hello, I am Dr. Emembelou,” she mimicked, “You should be grateful you have not lost your arm.”  Jennifer laughed, her sister was spot on.

The next day her mother Maureen arrived from Dallas.  Thankfully the cast was already on her arm before her mother could see the seeping wounds and staples.  Jennifer was thankful to have both her sister and mother there to comfort and take care of her fragile body and spirit.  Before she could be discharged, however, a visit to the billing office had to be made.  Unfortunately Jennifer was not insured and the surgery fee with the hospital stay had run ten grand.  Her mother looked at her matter of factly, handing her the bill, and said “You’re going to have to use the money your Great Aunt Aida left you for this.”  Great Aunt Aida, who never had any children of her own, had left each of her brother’s grandchildren exactly ten thousand dollars from her estate.  Ironically, Aida had run away and joined the circus in her younger years, marrying a cowboy and joining his rodeo horse act as an assistant.

Maureen and Anne took Jennifer back to the hotel in L.A. where the cast was staying.  She met with the tour manager who gave her the unfortunate news that she would be let go from the company.  She had kindly arranged for Jennifer to stay on with the company for one last week to say her goodbyes and then be flown home.  Her sister and mother both flew home the following day.  Jennifer had decided with her mom that it would be best if she flew back to Dallas to live with her parents for the three months it would take for her arm to heal.  She would not be able to work or support herself so this was her only choice.  Jennifer spent a bittersweet final week with her magical circus friends and then it was time to say farewell, turning the page on an unexpected chapter of her life.

Jennifer spent three months healing in Dallas.  She had been told by the follow-up doctor in Dallas that the bones in her arm may not grow back together and that the possibility of another surgery to perform a bone graft was probable.  She asked what natural remedies or supportive measures she could make on her own to encourage the growth of the bones and the doctor replied, “Nothing that I know of.  Any of those old wives tales are not proven to help.”  Jennifer dismissed his ignorance and with a little research started her own daily regime of natural healing.  She enrolled in a Tai Chi class, the only form of exercise that would not be too strenuous on her arm and that would promote the circulation of healthy blood to the injury.  She made a point to include a large amount of dairy in her diet to increase her levels of calcium and Vitamin D and also used the herb Comfrey, also known as “Knitbone”, as a daily tonic.

When she returned to see the doctor three months later the x-rays showed that the bones of her radius and ulna had not only grown back together but they were actually twice as thick at the point of breakage as the original bones.  The doctor was surprised, “This is most unexpected.  I have no idea how these bones could have healed so well.  You will not need the bone graft, obviously.”  Jennifer felt a rush of relief and satisfaction and let the doctor know the remedies that she used so he might reconsider his opinion of alternative therapies.

The cast came off and her left arm was a sight to be seen.  Atrophied to half the size of her right arm and layered with yellow scales of old skin, her arm stank like old flesh and desperately needed to be washed.  The staples were painfully removed and she was shown various movements to do as physical therapy.  She decided it was time to move on with her life now that the cast was off and she had use of her arm again.  She wanted to continue her acting career and would need to go back to New York City to audition.  Her grandparents lived in the suburbs of Westchester County and offered her a room in their home.

Jennifer took this time to reflect on her life, where it was going, and what was truly important to her.  Her meditation practice deepened and she longed to return to her Lamas for blessings and advice.  She made a pilgrimage to Pema Samye Ling, the Lamas’ retreat center in the Western Catskills of Upstate New York.  With the support of generous sponsorship and the purchase of over five hundred acres of land, the Lamas had built a traditional Tibetan Buddhist temple and retreat accommodations for the growing sangha, or followers of the teachings.  This would be Jennifer’s first trip to the land and she felt her heart pound in her chest with anticipation as she pulled onto the unmarked dirt road that led up the hill to the center.

She parked her car at the dormitory, a yellow building built into the slope of the hill with a copper roof and wrap-around porch, and walked into the office to register.  She was greeted by Lily, the woman who had given her directions over the phone.  They shared a cup of tea together and then Lily brought Jennifer to her room– a simple accommodation with a bunk bed, a night table with a lamp, and a dresser.  On the wall hung a traditional hand-painted tangkha of White Tara, the Goddess of Long Life.  Jennifer looked up at her and silently gave thanks for her blessings and protection as she cradled her arm.  Lily told her that she had some shopping and chores to do in town but that she would be back at dinner time if Jennifer wanted company.  She was the only visitor at the center at this time and besides Lily and her husband who lived at the center as caretakers Jennifer would have the place to herself.

The Lamas were in retreat but were expecting Jennifer; she had spoken with their attendant before her arrival to let them know she wished to see them.  Jennifer took the afternoon to explore the land.  She first walked up to the temple which stood like a noble red jewel on the top of the mountain.  It overlooked rolling green fields of meadow grasses and wildflowers that were bordered by forests of maple, pine, oak, birch, and various other indigenous trees.  The horizon was outlined by the gentle slopes of green mountains that took the form of a reclining elephant to the South and a soaring eagle to the West.

The temple had three levels, the first housing the main shrine, the second a library, and the third a reliquary.  The construction of the main structure was complete but much work was still to be done on the interior.  Jennifer walked up stairs to the first level and pulled open a heavy door.  She entered the foyer and heard talking.  She followed the echoing voices and saw two men talking in the main shrine room.  They were discussing the design for the wall frescos.  She introduced herself, “Hello.  I’m Jennifer.  I’ll be staying here for a little while doing retreat.  I’ve just checked in.  I didn’t realize there were others here.  Lily told me no one else was around.”

“Oh, hello, Jennifer, nice to meet you.  I’m Mitchell.  I’ve just come up from Connecticut for the weekend to start some work on the temple walls.  How long will you be here for?”

“Just a week.  I’ve just moved back to the area after recovering from an injury and wanted to see the Rinpoches before I start trying to find work again.”

“What kind of work do you do?”

“Well, I most recently toured with a Circus until I broke my arm snowboarding.  I’m going to try auditioning in the City again to pick something up.”

“The Circus?  That’s cool.  I’d love to hear about it some time.  Do you have any experience with a paintbrush?”

“I’ve taken some art classes over the years.  Why, are you looking for help?”

“Well, funny you should ask, we need someone to paint a brocade design on the ceiling as a border.  See that scaffolding over there?  Should be easy for you, a young circus performer, to get up and down, easier than either of us, anyway,” Mitchell said as he looked over to the quiet man standing with him.

“What is you connection to Lamas?” asked the quiet man in broken English with a strong Russian accent.

“Oh, I met Rinpoches when I was younger, through my Stepmom.  She took me to see them at a teaching in the City.  That was it for me.  I instantly felt a connection to the Dharma and I knew they were my root teachers,” she replied.

“Nice story.  Strong karma.  You should paint temple,” he said. “My name is Sasha.  Nice meet you.”

“I would be honored to help in any way I can.  Thank you for the invitation.  I will talk to Rinpoches about it when I have my interview with them.  Nice to meet you both,” she said and turned to leave.

Jennifer took a long walk down the dirt road that led through the forest and to a meadow with apple trees.  She sat under one of them and looked out over the valley.  It was a perfect spot for meditation.  She watched the sunset and then headed back up the road to the dormitory.  Lily was there and told her that the Lamas had called for her.  They would like to meet with her the following day after breakfast.

That night Jennifer slept lightly, waking every couple of hours to check the time.  She was anxious about her meeting with the Lamas.  It had been a long time since their last meeting and so much had transpired in her life.  Would they remember her?  It felt very strange and formal to be going to their house for an official interview.  What would she ask?  What was the protocol for such a meeting?  She told herself that she should just relax and be natural to best receive their blessings and advice.

After fixing a simple meal of oatmeal and a boiled egg, Jennifer walked to the Lamas’ house.  It was a red building, also with a copper roof and a wrap-around porch.  She knocked on the door and was received by Loretta, the Lamas’ attendant.  Loretta welcomed her into their home and told her the Lamas were waiting for her upstairs.  She took off her shoes and left them by the door and slowly climbed the stairs, focusing on her breath and concentrating on the sensation of the soles of her feet as they made contact with each wooden step.  She felt the palms of her hands start to sweat.  She reached the top of the stairs and pulled back the embroidered curtain that hung in the doorframe.

There she was greeted with the smiling faces of the Lamas.  She felt instantly at ease in the warmth of their gaze.  She bowed respectfully to them, folding her hands in the lotus mudra at her heart.  She then offered them each a white katag and they chanted mantras over her as they wrapped the katags around her neck in blessing.  The lamas each touched their forehead to hers as another form of intimate blessing.  She was home.

They asked her to take a seat and asked how she was doing, how she was recovering from the surgery.  Her stepmother had called and told them what happened and they told her they had prayed for her swift recovery after they heard the news.  She told them her story and thanked them graciously for their concern and prayers.  The younger Khenpo brother translated from Tibetan to English for his older brother who wanted Jennifer to know that it was good that she had come.  He wanted her to know that it was her karma to break her arm and that it had helped her to purify and find the Dharma again.  She understood; it was suffering that had brought her to the Dharma years ago when she was a teenager and now it was suffering again that brought her back.

“According to the Tibetan astrological system, everyone follows a cycle of twelve years depending on their birth year and animal.  When their cycle hits its adversary animal year they experience hardship.  Therefore these hardships happen every twelve years or so,” he explained. “His Holiness the Dalai Lama has spoken about this from his own experience.”  Knowing this helped her to accept her obstacles as natural and weakened her self-criticism.  She wanted so much to be perfect in everyone’s eyes, especially her Teachers.  It was so healing to hear them speak about her experience in this way.  They asked about her circus tour and enjoyed listening to her stories.  She asked what practice she should focus on during her week-long retreat.  They told her to pray to Guru Rinpoche, Tara, and the Buddha in the morning, afternoon and evening.  In between her prayer and meditation sessions they instructed her to relax, take walks around the land, read, and drink tea.  They told her the most important in all of this was to relax and take in the natural beauty of this special place and opportunity.  “You have chosen to come here of your own volition.  No one has forced you or asked you.  This is wonderful.  You should celebrate this opportunity and yourself for reuniting with the Dharma.  You are young and you have much ahead of you.  Don’t look back and have regrets about mistakes in the past.  Look forward and move on.”

“This week you are doing retreat, but we hope that you will come back often and perhaps help us to paint the temple,” they added.  Jennifer was intrigued by this.  She had just been invited to paint by Mitchell and Sasha.  Was this just a coincidence?  “We remember you gave us a drawing of Guru Rinpoche many years ago.  You have some skill in the arts.  Do you think you might be interested in helping?” they asked.

“Oh, yes, definitely.  I am honored that you ask.  It’s funny that you do because I happened to meet Mitchell and Sasha yesterday and they asked me as well.  I was going to ask your permission but had forgotten,” she replied.

“Well, that’s it, then,” the younger Khenpo said.  “You are welcome to come and stay here whenever you can to do practice and paint.  Thank you.”

With that she thanked them for their time, advice and blessings and bowed respectfully before she left back through the curtain smiling ear to ear.  She spent the rest of the week relaxing, praying and meditating in blissful ease.  When it came time to leave at the end of her week, she left some of her belongings behind, knowing that she would be returning soon.

Jennifer spent the next year travelling internationally for corporate circus gigs with the same company she has toured with previously and in between contracts she spent her time at Pema Samye Ling.  In the summer months many more students were there, helping paint in the temple and working on various other projects.  The Khenpos led scheduled retreats and gave impromptu teachings to the fortunate ones who were working on the temple projects.  Many of them profited from the warm summer weather and slept in tents.  They enjoyed swimming in the local lakes and blueberry picking at a nearby farm.

In the winter months Jennifer had the good karma to follow her Teachers to Seattle, Portland, Montreal, Florida and even Russia where they had students and centers, receiving many empowerments and precious teachings.  She often drove them between their apartment in the City and the retreat center Upstate, thus serving them and soaking up precious quality time in their presence.

When the Lamas were planning a trip to India for the upcoming Tibetan New Year she asked if she could join them.  They said she was welcome along with several other students who were also planning to go.  Her childhood dreams of India were soon to come true.