“Lotus Love” Chapter 17: Separation Across Continents

Chapter 17: Separation Across Continents

Jennifer and her Grandfather drove up the Hutchinson Parkway into the suburbs of Westchester.  She had been living with her Grandparents while she was performing circus gigs on a freelance basis before her trip to India.  Her Grandmother had passed away in her sleep early one morning while Jennifer was boarding a plane for a corporate gig with General Motors in Uruguay.  She had plans to move out of her Grandparents’ home in Scarsdale and rent an apartment with a friend in Brooklyn, but after her Grandmother’s passing, she decided to stay with her Grandfather for a short interim longer.  She wanted to help him through the grieving process and provide company for him.  A few months after his wife’s passing, Jennifer’s Grandpa bounced back to life.  He started to be social again with friends at the country club he belonged to and even made some new friends that were widowers.  He bragged that he was a “catch” according to the bridge club ladies.  When Jennifer sensed that he was back on his feet and wouldn’t miss her presence, she decided to go on pilgrimage to India.  She had originally bought a round-trip ticket for a six-week stay.  Six weeks had turned into six months.  Early into her life-changing stay in India, Jennifer had aspirations of becoming a nun.  She came back married.

As they drove up the Hutch, Jennifer remarked at how neat, clean and organized the American highways were compared to the chaotic, polluted and dirty roads of India.  This was ironic to her because, previous to her Indian experience, she had never thought of New York City as being “clean.”  Her Grandpa pulled the Caddy into his housing development named Saxon Woods and after pulling the car into his driveway, parked it in the garage.  Jennifer carried her bags up the slate walkway into the white colonial house.  Everything was just as it was before she left six months ago.  In fact, everything was just as it was before she was born– her Grandparents never once rearranged or redecorated their home since the first day they moved in over fifty years ago.  Her Grandfather was curious about her trip to India and so they sat down together in the den where she shared her pictures and stories with him.  Jennifer was surprised at how open and accepting her Grandfather was when she spoke about Tsering.

“Well, he’s obviously a smart guy if he married you!” he said, looking at the pictures.  “And he’s obviously a good, honest man being a monk and all.  I’m not surprised at all that you married a Tibetan monk!  I’ve lived with you the past two years and have seen how devoted you are to those Lamas of yours.  If you’re not galavanting all over the globe as a member of their entourage, you’re always upstairs in your room praying to the Buddha and meditating!  I suppose your dream has come true, now– you are bringing home your very own monk from India.  He’s pretty good-looking, too, from what I can tell in these pictures.  He looks like he could be a South American!”

Jennifer was a bit shocked to hear just how accepting her Grandfather was and realized that under his harsh veneer there was a lot of wisdom.  She wondered if her Grandfather subconsciously identified with Tsering.  Her Grandfather was an immigrant, too– he had emigrated with his family as a young boy from Buenos Aires, Argentina.  Jennifer’s mother had told her that her Grandmother’s family had never quite accepted or approved of her Grandmother’s marriage to him.  He had been the “outsider,” “the foreigner.”  Jennifer laughed when her Grandfather remarked that Tsering looked like he could be from South America.  It was true, though– Tsering had a universal look to him.  He could have been from anywhere– Tibet, Peru, Puerto Rico, or even Egypt.

“Wow, Grandpa, thank you so much for your support.  I really wasn’t expecting you to react this way.  You really surprised me.  Thank you so much!” she said, giving him a big hug.

“Well don’t jump to any conclusions, now.  I know you have been living here with me these past couple of years since your Grandmother left me.  But now that you’re a married woman, you will have to find a place of your own.  It is fine for you and Tsering to stay here for a little while until you find a place– but nothing long term.  I’m just not up for living with newlyweds.”

“That’s so nice of you to even offer, Grandpa.  I had no expectations whatsoever to live here with Tsering.  It would really help us out, though.  I have no idea what our plans are at this point.  Tsering won’t be coming to the States for a few more months.  We haven’t decided where we will live when he does.  Maybe we’ll come to New York, maybe Seattle.”

“Why the hell would you want to live all the way out there in Seattle, like your Dad and your sister?!  They might as well be living on Mars!  Once you leave New York, you’re nowhere!  Don’t you know that?  New York is where it all happens– if you ain’t making it here, you ain’t making it anywhere!”

“All right, Grandpa, calm down.  As I said, we have no plans right now.  All I know is I’m grateful to have your support and am excited to see everyone again at Carol’s wedding.  I’m going to drive up to Mom’s tomorrow.”  Jennifer’s little green VW GTI that she named Tara was parked in her Grandfather’s garage while she was away.

“So soon?  You just got here!  You’re like the wind– always coming and going.”

“Sorry, Gramps.  I’m feeling anxious to see Mom and want to connect with her.”

“Well, don’t expect a welcome home parade when you get there.  She is not too pleased with your choice in bridegroom.  I told her not to worry.  One thing I know for sure– you’re never going to starve being married to him.  He’s a survivor, like me.  But you know your mother– she has high expectations.”

“That’s okay.  I’m not anticipating a welcome home party.  I just miss her and want to assure her that everything’s fine.  I’m going upstairs to take a shower.” Jennifer spent the rest of the day relaxing and visiting with her Grandfather, watching and catching up on the news as he flicked between his favorite and most-hated news channels– CNN and FOX.  Watching the news was a sport for him– he liked to yell at the TV when Bill O’Reilly was on.  Jennifer found it quite amusing.  The current political drama of the day was the Republican effort to impeach President Clinton.  There was quite a media circus around the Monica Lewinsky affair.  Jennifer’s Grandpa was really having a fun time with it all.

The next day Jennifer drove up I95 to her Mom’s home in Gloucester, Massachusetts.  Since it was summertime, her Mom was at the beach with Jennifer’s stepfather by the time she arrived midday.  Maureen had left the door unlocked for Jennifer and a note that read, “At the beach.  Packed a sandwich for you, come on down and meet us.  We’re at our usual spot.”  Jennifer was so excited to see the ocean again and quickly changed into a bathing suit.  Her Mom’s house was just a five minute walk from Good Harbor Beach, the largest public stretch of beach on Cape Ann.  It was a gorgeous summer day and the beach was sure to be packed.  Jennifer threw her sunglasses and her Tibetan language book in a beach bag and walked down the hill to the beach.  She found her Mom and stepfather in their usual spot, just before the life guard’s chair to the right of the last boardwalk through the dunes.  They were both reading and had already built up their summer tans now the middle of July.

“Hello!” said Jennifer as she set up the extra beach chair her stepfather had brought down for her.

“Oh, hello, dear!  I’m so glad you made it early enough to get some beach time in!” said her mother, Maureen.

“Me, too!  You don’t know how good it feels to breathe the fresh ocean air after all that pollution in Delhi!”

“Is that right?  The pollution is as awful as they say?” her stepfather, Philip inquired.

“Worse, actually.  Nothing can prepare you for the lack of sanitation that exists in India.”

“Enough.  I don’t want to hear any more about it.  Are you hungry?  I packed you a turkey sandwich.”  Maureen was an expert at diverting conversation away from anything that verged on discomfort.  She preferred to keep her conversation light and always polite.

“I’m starving.  Thanks for packing me something.”

“And here’s a cup of iced tea.  I’m mixing it with lemonade these days,” she said pouring some into a plastic cup for Jennifer.

“Maureen, you should have packed 2 sandwiches for her!  Look at you, Jennifer!  Did you eat anything over there in India?!”

“I ate quite well, actually.  Tsering and I bought our own camping stove and cooked at least once a day with fresh food from the market.  We also ate out at Tibetan and Indian restaurants to take advantage of the AC.”

“Well you sure can’t tell.  Why are you so skinny, then?” he asked.

“Unfortunately I had some recurring stomach issues while I was there.  It’s kind of inevitable, even if you are vigilant about drinking only boiled and bottled water.”

“What, like giardia?”

“Yup. That’s the one.  Nasty little buggers.”

“Oh, ewsh!  Will you stop it, you two?  I’m trying to enjoy my time here at the beach,” Maureen said with disgust.

“Sorry, Mom.  So, is Carol getting excited for the big day?”

“She’s so relieved you’re finally back.  She’s coming over for dinner with your bridesmaid’s dress to try on.  I hope it’s not too big for you now.  And what are you going to do with your hair?!  My God, there’s nothing left of it!  How could you have chopped it all off like that, knowing that you were going to be in your sister’s wedding?”

“It’s actually had time to grow in quite a bit, Mom.  I was thinking of going to a hairdresser to get it trimmed for the wedding.”

“Did you actually get a buzz-cut, Jenn?”  Philip was intrigued.

“Believe it or not, I shaved it off completely– bald.  On a full moon day.  I offered it to the Buddha.  It was so liberating!  I never would have been able to do it here in America.  People would have either assumed I was a cancer patient or a hard-core lesbian.  In India, everyone understood that I had shaved my head as a spiritual practice, as a practice in devotion and humility.  Strangers on the street bowed to me out of respect.”

Jennifer’s Mom was clearly agitated beyond her comfort level at this point.  She started to stand and pack up her things.  “Where are you going, dear?” Philip asked.

“This is just too much for me.  It’s all too strange.  I’m going home.”

“Don’t go, Mom.  Please.  I’m sorry I upset you.  We’ll stop talking about India.  Let’s keep talking about the wedding.”

“Yes, dear.  Jennifer just got here.  She meant no harm.  It’s my fault.  I keep asking the wrong questions.  I’m going to take a dip.  You and your Mom catch up on the wedding plans.  You kind of look like Twiggy with that short hairstyle, don’t you think, Mo?” Philip said reassuringly as he got up to walk to the water.

“I suppose I could make an appointment for you at my hairdresser’s.  The ‘pixie look’ is in, come to think of it.  I guess we can make it work,” Maureen said as a peace offering.  Mother and daughter continued to discuss the wedding details until Jennifer got too hot and went to join Philip in the ocean.  The water was refreshingly cool and it felt amazing to enjoy the heat of summer in the ocean waves.  Jennifer’s sister Carol drove in from her apartment in Boston that night to hang out with her sister.  She and Jennifer had a great time looking at all of Jennifer’s photos from her stay in India.  Carol was sincerely interested in all the experiences that her little sister had to share.  She liked to live vicariously through her.

The next morning the phone rang while Jennifer was doing her morning prayers and meditation.  Her mother answered the phone.  Jennifer had given her mother a head’s up that Tsering would be calling soon to check that she had arrived safely home.  Sure enough, it was Tsering on the phone when Maureen answered.  She brought the cordless phone to Jennifer and said with a touch of excitement, “It’s Tsering, he’s calling from India.”  It was Maureen’s first contact with her new son-in-law, albeit brief and long-distance.  The sound of his voice through the phone made her realize that he truly did exist– a young man, in love with her daughter, who sounded nervous to speak English to his new American mother-in-law.  She suddenly had compassion for this vulnerable Tibetan man who just yesterday was a stranger to her.  He now had a voice.  When Jennifer took the phone from her hand, she left the room to give her daughter privacy.

“Tsering?!  How are you?”

“Jenni?  Is that you Jenni?”  Tsering’s voice was shaking with emotion, barely audible to Jennifer.

“Yes, of course it’s me.  How are you?”

“Jenni?  I love you Jenni.”  Jennifer could tell that Tsering was overcome with emotion and that he was choking back tears.

“I love you, too, Tsering-la.  I love you, too.  How are you?  You sound so sad.  Are you crying?”

“I miss you, Jenni.  I am not sad.  I am cry because I am so happy to hear you,” Tsering said as he wiped his tears and laughed at himself and his unexpected display of emotion in the public phone booth.

“Where are you staying?  Are you in Dharamsala?”

“Yes, Jenni.  I am here in Dharamsala.  You remember Urgyen, Riwoche monk?  I am staying with him, in his room.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful, Tsering.  I am so happy to hear that you are with a friend.  Yes, I remember Urgyen, we met him at the Drupchen in Nepal.”

“Yes, that Urgyen.  He not monk now.”

“Oh, isn’t that a coincidence.”

“Jenni, you okay?”

“Yes, Tsering-la.  I’m doing fine.  I’m here at my Mother’s and everything’s great.”

“Jenni.”

“Yes, Tsering, what is it?”

“Jenni.  I miss you, Jenni.”

“I miss you, too, Tsering, I miss you, too.”  Jennifer could sense that Tsering was having a hard time communicating on the phone– he was overcome with emotions that he never had dealt with before and the language barrier was getting in the way of the things he wanted to express.  “It’s okay, Tsering.  We will talk again soon.  Next week.  Call me again next week.  In the meantime, I am going to send you an e-mail.  Check your messages tomorrow and bring someone who can read English with you.  They can translate for you.  I think we’ll have a better time expressing ourselves this way.  The phone is just too hard.  It’s good to hear your voice, though, and I’m happy to hear your okay.  Eat good food.”

“Yes, Jenni.  I eat good food.  I look for your message tomorrow and write you message, too.  I love you, Jenni,” he said one last time before hanging up.

Jennifer brought the phone back to her mother who reached out to her daughter by asking, “How is he?  Is he okay?”

“Yes, Mom, thanks for asking.  He sounds overwhelmed, really nervous.  I think the separation and talking on the phone with our limited communication skills was difficult for him.  But he’s staying with a friend, so that’s reassuring.”  Jennifer’s Mom gave her a big hug.  Maureen’s heart began to open to these two young lovers.  Starting to accept the fact that they were truly in love, she decided she might as well support her daughter instead of fighting a futile battle.  It felt so good to have her mother’s comfort.  Jennifer let down her facade of strength as she allowed tears to run down her face that she had been holding back since she left Tsering at the airport in Delhi.

After their heart to heart connection, Jennifer and her Mom carried on with the day.  Jennifer went to the salon and got her hair “fixed.”  Jennifer’s sister and brother in-law were flying in from Seattle that afternoon.  Jenni went to pick them up at Logan airport.  Last minute preparations for the wedding were all underway and the family had a great time together at the beach.  They traveled up to Sunapee, New Hampshire where the wedding was going to take place in a few day’s time.  The sisters all stayed together at Carol’s fiance’s lake house.  The three of them enjoyed their time together for the next few days, doing yoga, reminiscing about their childhood, and lounging around in their pajamas.  The night of the rehearsal dinner, fifty close family and friends gathered at the private beach for a clam bake with a steel metal band for entertainment and dancing while the summer sun set late in the evening.

The wedding took place the following day and hundreds of guests arrived from all over the country to celebrate the union of Carol and her bridegroom Matt.  It was a fancy, formal affair– only the best of the best.  It felt like Jennifer had lived life from two extremes within just one week’s time.  Her life with Tsering back in their little roof-top shanty home in the Tibetan refugee camp of Majnukatilla was literally a world away from the five-star wedding reception with gourmet service and dining she was experiencing back home in the States.  It was an interesting dichotomy for Jennifer to integrate.  She was grateful for it all.

After the wedding, Jennifer returned to her Mom’s for a few days before packing up to go on retreat.  The Khenpo Rinpoches were holding their annual summer Dzogchen retreat at Padma Samye Ling.  Jennifer was anxious to connect with her Lamas again after her prolonged stay in India and all that had transpired since the last time she saw them in Sarnath.  The night before she left, Tsering called to wish Jennifer a safe journey and retreat.  They had successfully exchanged several e-mails over the course of the past week and Jennifer had mentioned in the last one that she would be leaving for a ten-day retreat with the Khenpos’ sangha.  Tsering had found a Tibetan with strong English skills who was willing to translate Jennifer’s e-mails for him and translate his responses while he dictated in the internet cafe.  He had composed some very lovely and poetic messages for her.  It made her laugh to think that an unknown third-party had taken part in their writing.

Jennifer made the five hour drive across Massachusetts into the western Catskills in the heart of New York State.  It felt good to be on the road again, behind the wheel of her little “Green Tara.”  She chanted the Vajra Guru and 100-syllable Vajrasattva mantras the whole way there.  When she pulled up the dirt road her heart began to flutter with excitement and nerves.  “How was she going to be received?  Would she be judged for her actions?  Should she feel ashamed?” Jennifer had not made contact with the Rinpoches or the Sangha since she and Tsering fell in love and left Sarnath.  There was so much cultural taboo around the fact that Tsering had given back his vows, Jennifer worried that she was going to be blamed and scorned.  She pushed these fears to the back of her mind and put her faith and trust in the Three Jewels.  Deep in her heart she knew that her love for Tsering was true and that their actions were done with pure intentions and honesty.  Why should she be ashamed?

Jennifer parked her car in the lot behind the Sangha house.  She saw familiar faces gathered up on the porch deck.  It was dinner time and the sangha members were casually sharing the evening meal al fresco in small groups.  Jennifer checked in with registration and old friends greeted her with open arms and smiles.  Her fears and worries dissipated with every welcome home hug.  Her friend Tenzin came over with great enthusiasm once he saw that she had arrived.

“You’re back!” he exclaimed.  “How was it?  Was it amazing?  I want to hear all about it.  Did you bring pictures?”  Tenzin was a younger sangha member like herself.  Originally from Tennessee, he had spent a year in India and had taken monk’s vows while there.  He was currently living at Padma Samye Ling and had been one of Jennifer’s close friends in the Sangha for some time.  Over dinner, the friends shared stories and pictures of Jennifer’s pilgrimage in India.  She also shared her story about Tsering.

“I can’t wait to meet him!  It will be so great to have someone to practice speaking Tibetan with!” Tenzin had picked up a good deal of Tibetan while he lived in Dharamsala.  Jennifer was happy that Tsering would have a good friend in Tenzin when he finally arrived Stateside.

The sun would be setting in just a few more hours, so instead of joining the sangha for the evening Heart Sutra practice, Jennifer went into the forest to find a spot for her tent.  Since she had been one of the last retreatants to arrive, her favorite camping spots were already taken.  She decided to try a new spot down by the retreat cave her friend Michael had built with slate off of the old Tara Road.  Her tent was small and light and she easily carried all of her belongings down the slope of the hill into the forest.  She found a soft spot under a group of pine trees that were just above the cave.  She pitched her tent just before the dark of night fell.

Inside her tent, she set up her sleeping bag and pillow on top of a foam cushion.  She took her practice materials out of her backpack and recited her evening prayers.  While in the middle of the silent meditation part of her practice, she heard something that sounded like it was approaching her tent.  It didn’t sound like a human to her– the step pattern sounded more like it belonged to a four-legged creature rather than a two-legged one.  The size of the animal sounded comparable to a human, however.  This definitely wasn’t just a small squirrel or chipmunk, not even a raccoon.  Jennifer had shared her tent ground with the peaceful herd of deer that lived on the retreat land and was accustomed to their gentle movements and breath.  This animal was alone and heavier.  Jennifer’s guess was that it was something predatory, like a wild cat of some kind.  Its movement was slow and stealth-like, she could hear the twigs and branches crack under its paws– crack-crack, crack-crack.

Jennifer started to get scared when the movements got louder and closer to her tent.  It sounded like it was headed straight for her.  She realized she had nothing with which to defend herself inside the tent with her.  She was alone and defenseless.  Jennifer had heard sangha members talk over the years about large animal sightings on the land– bear, bobcat, mountain lion, and coyote.  But these sightings always happened in broad daylight from a comfortable and safe distance.  This was too close for comfort.  Jennifer realized that she had broken a cardinal rule of camping for females: one must never camp out during menses.  Jennifer’s scent must have attracted this animal’s acute sense of smell.

Jennifer was frozen in fear as the large animal reached her tent.  She wanted to run but knew this would be suicidal.  She had to hold her ground and just pray that the creature would not tear down her small, thin tent with its claws.

Then the animal did something unexpected.  It began to circumambulate her tent in a clockwise direction.  It continued to do so for the next hour.  Jennifer recited the Vajra Guru mantra under her breath and stayed perfectly still in meditation posture all the while.  This was an intense practice experience.  Never had Jennifer’s senses been so acutely aware of the present moment as this.  At a certain point, Jennifer had the urge to urinate.  But the animal was still circling her tent and she had to hold herself.  After another hour of mantra recitation and stalking, Jennifer’s body and mind grew weak and tired.  She decided to finally release herself from lotus position and gently lie down to sleep.  As soon as she was horizontal, the animal stopped its circling.  It then lay down right at her head– just inches from her tent.  The paper-thin tent wall was all that separated Jennifer’s head from this wild animal.  And then she heard the most unexpected and strangest of sounds.

The cat began to purr.  Not the soft rattling purr of a domestic house cat, but the loud, growl-like purr of a wild cat.  In some strange fashion, Jennifer sensed that this creature meant her no harm and was communicating a friendly message to her.  The logical side of her brain was still on edge, but her instinct told her that it was safe to let herself fall asleep.  Jennifer kept her visualization of Guru Rinpoche in her mind’s eye for as long as she was able as the continual purring of the wild cat lulled her into a light state of sleep.

It wasn’t until dawn that Jennifer stirred back to waking consciousness.  She was woken by the sounds of the wild cat’s steps as it walked away from her tent back into the depth of the forest as the sun rose.  Jennifer was amazed that she had actually managed to fall asleep at all considering the circumstances.  She was relieved that the creature had finally decided to leave and after waiting twenty minutes or so to confirm it wasn’t going to come back, she finally unzipped her tent and peeked out of the door.  Nothing but the still silence of nature surrounded her.  She felt safe to leave her tent and return back up the hill to the sangha house.  As she climbed up the hill she realized that she had just had a shamanic experience of sorts.  She felt she had been tested, and had passed the test.

Jennifer entered the empty sangha house.  She glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw that it was only six AM.  The rest of the sangha was still sleeping or just beginning to stir.  She went into the kitchen and lit the gas stove under the teapot.  By the time water had come to a boil, the breakfast crew started to arrive.  Anxious to share her experience from the previous night, she offered to help prepare the morning meal with the cooks.  While large pots of oatmeal and eggs boiled, Jennifer helped wash and cut fruit while telling the story of her encounter with the wild cat.

The gong rang at seven as a call to the temple for the morning practice.  Jennifer’s heart jumped in anticipation.  She had not seen her Lamas for five months and she knew that they would be attending the morning practice.  She climbed the grass hill up to the peak of the hill where the three-storied red jewel of a temple beckoned her home.  Sangha members were making kora around the temple before entering through the western side door.  Others were sitting on the front of the temple steps, reciting mantras and looking out at the vast expanse of sky and views of the surrounding Catskill mountains.  After Jennifer had made three koras, the attention of the Sangha members was caught by the flash of red and saffron robes seen through the lush perennials that grew at the entrance to the Lamas’ home.  The Khenpo Brothers were on their way to the temple to join the Sangha for the morning practice.  A calm hush and wave of devotion swept over the sangha members as the Lamas walked towards their loving lotus children.

Jennifer kept her head bowed deeply in respect, she was too nervous to make eye contact with her Teachers just yet.  The Rinpoches entered the temple, followed by their students.  The Lamas made three prostrations to the Golden Buddha that sat in the middle of the shrine and then took their seats on their thrones.  The sangha made three prostrations to their Noble and Beloved Teachers before taking their own seats on the floor.  Jennifer chose to sit in the back of the shrine room.  As she had arrived later than most attendees, there really weren’t any other places to sit at this point.  She was accustomed to sitting in the front rows during teachings, practices and retreats.  She was usually around so much of the time that she could reserve a front spot before the majority of the sangha members arrived for events.  Jennifer noticed a display board was just to her left, leaning against the back wall of the shrine room.  It displayed pictures of all the monks who lived at the Rinpoches’ monastery in Sarnath.  Tsering’s picture was on the top row.

The practice began and Jennifer felt so blessed to be back in the presence of her Teachers and Sangha members with the photo of Tsering looking on.  A single tear of gratitude fell down her cheek as she chanted the prayers in homage of Lord Buddha.  Jennifer fell effortlessly into the retreat schedule during the next few days.  She attended the precious Teachings that the Khenpos offered in the mornings, the mid-afternoon meditation sessions, the late-afternoon fire pujas in the field, and the evenings Prajnaparamita prayers out on the temple steps.  On the fourth day of the retreat, Jennifer received a message from Ani Loretta, the Rinpoches’ attendant.  She was asked to come to the Khenpos’ home for tea in between the two afternoon sessions.  Jennifer was honored that she was being invited to her Lamas’ home,  yet she was nervous about how the Lamas had taken the news of her leaving the monastery with Tsering.

When she arrived at the Lamas’ home, Ani Loretta was there to greet her.  She told Jennifer to make her way upstairs where the Rinpoches were expecting her.  Jennifer climbed the stairs to the second level and parted the curtain where she saw the Venerable Khenpos seated in their chairs waiting for her.  After making three prostrations to them, she offered white khatags to each of her Teachers, the eldest first and the younger second.  They kindly wrapped the white scarves around her neck in blessing, chanting mantras over her crown chakra that was bowed in reverence.

The Rinpoches asked her to take a seat and Ani Loretta arrived with the tea service.  The Lamas welcomed her back and told her they were glad she had finally come home.  The conversation was light and trivial at the onset until the younger Khenpo’s tone became more serious.  “While you were in Sarnath, Jenni, we heard many stories about you.  We heard that the entire village was gossiping about a young American girl who was having an affair with one of our monks.  It brought us much shame.  We were told you were seen in public together, walking in the Deer Park for all to see.  It is not our custom for a monk and a woman to walk alone together.  It brings suspicion.  We know all of this because Pema Gyatso told us.  He told us that he warned you and that you did not listen.  We also heard you were wearing nun’s robes, despite our advice to wait until you returned to America.  The monastic robes are not costumes for a show.  You can not just put them on and take them off so casually like an actor in a play.”

Jennifer felt her skin grow hot as she flushed with embarrassment.  She knew that her relationship with Tsering had crossed a fine line while they were living at the Khenpos’ monastery in Sarnath.  But she did not realize that she had brought such shame to her Teachers like this.  She felt so ashamed.  But she felt she needed to explain herself to her Teachers.  “I am so sorry, Rinpoches.  Please forgive my ignorance.  I was so full of devotion while living at the monastery.  Please believe me that my intentions to become a nun were true.  I know you advised me not to wear my robes, but after I shaved my head, Genla Pema Gyatso told me that it would look strange for me to have no hair without wearing robes, too.  So I decided to start wearing them.  I guess I was too excited.  I really enjoyed wearing the zen and shantab, it felt so precious and noble.  I wore them with complete respect and dignity for the lineage, not for mere entertainment and costumery.  I did not plan or know that I would fall in love with Tsering like I did.  It was all so spontaneous.  It was our karma.  I truly did not realize at the time the implications of my actions.  We were in love and did not think about the consequences of our actions as they would affect your reputation or the reputation of the monastery as a whole.  I truly apologize.”

“That’s true, then, what you say.  Two of our older sangha memers told us that we should not worry– that you were in love and that it would all work out.  You know Anya and Lorenz.  They are the ones who told us that it must be love,” the younger Khenpo laughed as the tone of the conversation finally relaxed.  Jennifer felt relieved to have had the opportunity to share her side of the story with the Khenpos.  She felt privileged to be given the opportunity considering the circumstances.

“What can we do to correct our actions?” she asked.

“You and Tsering should pray for purification.  You can also make offerings to the monastery as a method of purification.  Tsering knows about this.  You can talk to him about it.”

Khenchen Rinpoche, the elder of the brothers who had been sitting silently all this while, suddenly interjected and asked with concern, “Where is Tsering Phuntsok?”

“He is in Dharamsala now, Rinpoche,” Jennifer replied.

“How is Tsering?” Khenchen asked with sincere interest and affection.

“He is fine, Rinpoche.  Please don’t worry about him.  I will be returning to India soon to be with him.  He will be coming back with me to America once he has been issued his International Travel Document by the Indian government through the Tibetan Office in Delhi.  We worked very hard the past few months getting him all the paperwork necessary to apply for an immigration visa.  By the grace of your prayers and blessings we were successful.  Thank you.  It’s a miracle, really, that we were able to have such a positive outcome so quickly.”

“Good, good, that is good.  I am happy to hear this.  What is Tsering doing now?” Khenchen asked, still clearly worried about Tsering’s well being.

“He is staying with a friend from Riwoche.  He is studying and practicing tangkha.  Please don’t worry about him, Rinpoche.  We are truly in love and I will not abandon him.  We are committed to making this all work out.  I am so sorry I caused you stress and worry.”

“Your words are reassuring, Jenni.  It was quite stressful and disheartening for us to hear your news from others,”  the younger Khenpo said.

“I am sorry for not contacting you sooner– I was so busy with the responsibility of making the papers for Tsering that I didn’t take the time to contact you.  I also was nervous to share our news before having any concrete results to show that it was going to work out.”  Khenchen looked at Jennifer with a compassionate gaze and smiled at her.  Any worries or fears she had in her heart about her relationship with her Guru instantly dissolved.  Jennifer shared stories with the Lamas of her journeys in India from the past several months since they last seen each other in Sarnath.  She wanted them to know that she had completed 3,000 prostrations in Bodhgaya and that she had finished the 100,000 Vajra Guru mantra accumulations of her Ngondro practice while in Sarnath.  She also shared with them that she had accumulated 100,000 Dorje Phurba mantras during the Drupchen in Nepal.  She admitted that she had lost her voice in the middle of the 10 day ceremony due to her incessant recitations.  Khenchen told her that he remembered losing his voice, too, as a young monk during intense practice sessions.  By the end of the interview, it was already time to report to the late afternoon fire puja in the field.  Jennifer walked with her Teachers into the field where the Sangha was awaiting their arrival.

The ten-day retreat came to an end and it was time for Jennifer to return to her Grandfather’s home to make arrangements for her return to India and Tsering.  She went into the City to apply for another visa at the Indian Embassy and met with Ani Loretta’s travel agent to book a flight to Delhi.  She and Tsering enjoyed sending and receiving each other’s messages on a daily basis with an occasional phone call to hear one another’s voices.  Their six weeks apart turned out to pass by quicker than expected for Jennifer with her travels, her sister’s wedding and the retreat.  Jennifer’s body had rejuvenated from the time spent back home in her familiar American climate.  Her body put on some much needed weight thanks to the American diet.  She was ready to return to India and her beloved.