This chapter was originally half as long. As I sat with the original version today, I was inspired to write about my first meetings with my Teachers. These are precious memories, ones that I hold very close to my heart. I hope you, too, are touched by the sweetness of their recollection.
Chapter 4- Maine, Vermont & Paris: Dzogchen, College Bohemia, Snowboarding and Raves
When Jennifer’s parents realized that her blues had developed into full-blown depression they brought her to see a psychologist who then referred her to a psychiatrist for medication. Jennifer felt no connection to either of these clinicians but her parents felt they had no other recourse. Jennifer humored them all and went through the motions. But her sadness lingered over her like a dark, dull cloud of gloom. She asked her father if she could come and stay with him to get away from the pressures of daily life. She took a month-long leave from school and went to live at her dad’s restaurant in Downeast, Maine.
Her stepmom was an artist and encouraged her to use the arts as a healing mechanism. She took a clay workshop and started drawing. She also was introduced to spiritual literature. The most therapeutic method she learned, though, was the art of meditation. Her stepmom had converted the attic of the old house into a shrine room. The walls were painted pale pink and colorful Buddhist paintings hung from the rafters. The paintings depicted Buddhas, Gods and Goddesses floating on lotus flowers amongst clouds and rainbows over snowy mountains and fields of green. Her soul felt light and joyful when she gazed into their world, like a return to innocence. Up in this sacred attic, her stepmom taught her how to meditate. They would light a candle and incense together as an offering to the shrine and then pray according to the tradition of the Nyingma lineage of Tibetan Buddhism of which her stepmom was a practitioner. Her stepmom led the chants and Jennifer followed along, reading the English transliteration of the beautiful Tibetan script which she found enchanting. She especially benefitted from chanting the 100-syllable Vajrasattva mantra of purification that they always chanted 21 times to the rhythmic sound of a bell that her stepmom played. The repetition of these sacred sounds seemed to entrance Jennifer into a state of pure bliss. She felt white light descend into her heart and free her from all her pain and suffering. They practiced like this together daily and Jennifer was grateful and honored to be introduced to such a ancient and sacred tradition.
One day Jennifer asked her stepmom who the two monks dressed in red and saffron robes were in the framed photos on the shrine. Joy seemed to leap out of the photos from their huge smiles and twinkling eyes. Jennifer was intrigued by the gapped-tooth smile of the older-looking monk. Her stepmom told her they were Khenpos, great scholar-monks who came from Tibet and taught in New York City. She asked Jennifer if she would like to come with her New York City to a teaching and meet them. “Would I like to meet them? In person?” Jennifer asked in disbelief. She had no idea that she would ever have the opportunity to attend Buddhist teachings let alone meet authentic Teachers. The Gurus she read about in some of the Dharma books she borrowed from her stepmom’s library sounded so remote, fantastical and inaccessible. “When can we go?” she asked without hesitation.
The next teaching was scheduled in January at an artist’s loft on the Bowery. Jennifer’s hiatus in Maine was drawing to a close so she and her stepmom left her father in Maine and drove the long journey down to the Big City. The nine-hour drive flew by as Jennifer and her Stepmom filled the time by chanting the Vajrasattva mantra and discussing Jennifer’s new found passion for the Dharma. She had so many questions, so much to learn. How does reincarnation work? What is karma? What is the meaning of this life? What is my life’s purpose? The conversation of the nine-hour drive just cracked the surface to all her inquiries.
Before they knew it, they had arrived and found a parking spot just a few blocks from the loft. They rang the buzzer and were let in. They climbed the steps up to the second floor and followed the earthy smell of Tibetan incense into a large room with over fifty people sitting on meditation mats. At the front of the room there was a large shrine full of statues and relics, decorated with colorful rainbow brocades. Next to the shrine was a large throne. On the back wall hung modern artwork from New York artists of the Beat and Pop Art scene. Jennifer immediately recognized the fluorescent dancing stick-figure art of Keith Haring. She remarked to herself that there was such a stark contrast between the front of the room and the back.
Jennifer’s stepmom found two mats for them and placed them in an empty corner. Suddenly everyone in the room stood up and held their hands in prayer at their hearts as they bent at the waist and gently bowed their heads in reverence. Jennifer noticed a flash of red and saffron at the entrance as a soft, silent calm fell over the room. Two jolly, humble monks entered, smiling and slightly bowing their heads to the audience who was clearly awed by their presence. Jennifer’s body was overcome with a swell of heat and her hands started to shake. The monks made three prostrations to the shrine and then took their seats in the front of the room. Jennifer joined the group as they all respectively made three prostrations to the Teachers. The monks proceeded to lead the group in lineage prayers before they began to teach the Dharma. Jennifer sat in awe, basking in an energy that she had never experienced in her lifetime. The monks seemed to radiate pure love and their words went straight to her heart. She had never heard words that rang with such truth before. It was as if she had been lied to her entire life long and for the first time ever someone was speaking the truth. Tears welled up in her eyes and she gratefully let them roll down her cheeks. She was home.
After the teaching Jennifer’s stepmom asked if she was ready to meet the Teachers. Jennifer had brought a colored pencil drawing she had made in Maine as an offering to the monks. It was a drawing of Guru Rinpoche, the tantric yogi who brought the Buddha-Dharma to the land of Tibet. Her stepmom had instructed her in Tibetan Buddhist customs and etiquette when interacting with Lamas. Jennifer took out the white katag, a ceremonial silk scarf delicately woven with auspicious symbols that her stepmom had folded so carefully, from her bag. She bowed her head in reverence as she held out the katag to the older Lama. The Khenpo accepted it and kindly wrapped it around her neck as he gently touched his forehead to hers, chanting mantras quietly on his breath. So happy! So light! So precious was this moment!
Jennifer took out her second katag and offered it to the younger Lama who was looking at her with sincere interest. He, too, touched his forehead to hers, wrapping the katag lovingly around her neck, blessing her with his prayers. They asked her name and told her they were so happy she came to listen to the Teaching. They told her that her stepmom had shared with them her interest in the Dharma and that this was so wonderful. Jennifer gave them the drawing of Guru Rinpoche, apologizing for its amateur quality, and they accepted it with huge smiles. They asked her to return for teachings when she had time. She promised to do so. This first meeting with her Teachers was so brief, but for that moment time stood still.
It was time to go back home to Greenwich. She was ready.
Jennifer managed to get herself through the emotionally trying years of high school with good enough honors to get accepted to the University of Vermont. She had always enjoyed her summers spent at camp in Vermont and looked forward to returning to its utopian environment. She was longing for a fresh start and freedom of expression after the suppressing suburban life back home in Greenwich. But before she would start her first semester in college, she returned to Maine to continue her study and practice of Dharma with her stepmom.
That summer, she helped out at her dad’s restaurant waiting tables in the evening and biked Acadia National Park during the day. As a graduation present her father and stepmom offered to sponsor her attendance at a 10-day retreat that her Teachers were holding in Upstate New York. Jennifer was thrilled. She and her stepmom packed up their sleeping bags and a tent along with rain gear and drove to the cow-country of Delaware County where thirty other students were gathering for a Dzogchen retreat with the Khenpos.
They arrived on the land in Delhi, NY in the evening. It was already dark. As they were unpacking the trunk Jennifer sensed a strong presence behind her. Before she turned to see, she knew already who it was. Khenpo had come out for an evening walk and was there to greet her. He wore that unforgettable gapped-tooth smile lit up by the light of the moon. She was overjoyed to be reunited with her Teachers. For ten days Jennifer received intensive, traditional Tibetan Buddhist teachings according to the Nyingma, or ancient, lineage. Between teachings were meals, prayer sessions, smoke offerings, and meditation sessions. Jennifer got very high during those 10 days. Her spirit was purified and free. The Lamas were so generous with their students, spending almost every waking moment of the day with them: sharing meals, giving teachings, leading meditation sessions, and officiating puja ceremonies. The only time of day that they reserved for themselves was an hour-long rest after the mid-day meal. Even then, though, they were often having private interviews with individual students.
Jennifer was very fortunate to have the opportunity to meet the Khenpos’ father during this retreat. Lama Gyalchog had recently come to the United States from India where he had been in long-term retreat in Darjeeling. On the last day of the retreat he kindly accepted the students’ request to sing the Chod, a hauntingly beautiful offering prayer. Lama Gyalchog unwrapped his round hand-held drum and, holding it upright in his right hand, started to rhythmically twist his wrist back and forth so that the small balls hanging on strings on either side began to sound the leather of the drum. His voice was strong, deep and calm, chanting the Tibetan prayer with the peaceful confidence of a lion.
Before leaving the retreat, Jennifer requested a private interview with the Khenpos. She had benefitted immeasurably from the practice that she was maintaining with her stepmom and she wanted to request permission and blessing from her Teachers to continue it on her own when she went off to college. Her teachers led her through a refuge ceremony where she officially became a Buddhist. They named her Padma Changchub, explaining the meaning of her new Tibetan Buddhist name- “Lotus of Enlightenment.” They also gave her transmission to practice the Ngondro, the foundation practices of the tantric path. As a gift, they presented her with a pair of abacus-like counters- small metal rings, 10 each per strand. They instructed her to use them to start counting her accumulations. She was so blessed.
And so, off she went to start her freshman year of college. The UVM Community was the perfect medicine for her. She immediately fell into the theater scene finding kindred spirits with similar artistic and intellectual interests. Her confidence grew as she flourished socially and academically. She relished in the freedom of liberal arts study, enjoying courses that satisfied her diverse interests in art, religion, French, theatre, and literature. Jennifer continued her meditation practice. Aside from her stepmom and Dad, family and friends had thought that her “Buddhist experiment” was just a phase. But it was her Buddhism that kept her grounded during her first years of independence.
Her junior year of college she chose to study abroad at the University of Paris. This year had a profound impact on Jennifer, instilling in her a deep sense of independence and opportunity. Within a month her eight years of classroom French blossomed into fluency as she quickly adapted to Parisian life. She fell in love with the City of Lights and its people. She continued her theatrical studies, enrolling in studio classes like clown and commedia dell arte. She enjoyed literature classes that enriched her French language skills as she quickly learned to take notes of lectures and write essays in French. Attendance of various plays and performances was required coursework and she soaked in the abstract and surreal style of French artistry. During academic breaks she took advantage of the student Eurail Pass and explored the rest of Europe, visiting other American students who were studying abroad. She toured the great sights and museums and enjoyed the unique nightlife that cities like Amsterdam have to offer.
When Jennifer arrived in Paris she spent the first month living in a dorm situation for international students. The accommodations were simple and affordable but she wanted to find an apartment where she could benefit from living with a native French speaker and have a kitchen to practice cooking French cuisine. Her host program helped her find the perfect situation. A young architect student had a room for rent in a two bedroom apartment in the 12th arrondissement just on the edge of the Bois de Vincennes. Didiane was an unlikely roommate for Jennifer, a very serious and timid young woman who rarely socialized. They were good for each other. Jennifer pushed Didiane to get out of her comfort zone and experience life a bit while Didiane provided her daily conversation practice and cooking lessons. The two took an excursion to Italy together in the spring, enjoying the beautiful city of Firenze. Didiane was grateful to Jennifer for taking her on her first trip outside of France.
When it was time to return home to the States to complete her senior year at UVM, Jennifer was heartbroken. She had relished in the freedom, anonymity and self-reliance she had experienced in France and worried about returning to her mundane life back in America. All of her close college friends had graduated by this time as well. As anticipated, she suffered from an acute case of reverse culture shock as soon as she arrived home. A good friend from her summer camp days helped relieve her “Paris withdrawal” when the two decided to rent an apartment in downtown Burlington. The two girls had an amazing time together, attending music festivals and house parties throughout the summer months. Soon it was time to return to classes and Jennifer continued her studies in French and Theater. She especially enjoyed the theatrical design classes like costume and scene design required for the theater major. She was able to take graduate level French courses due to the level of her French skills and she enjoyed studying with African professors from Senegal and Niger.
To replace the excitement of her year spent living in Paris, Jennifer found a new found love of dancing in the rave scene. She and other local ravers would drive hours to attend underground parties that lasted all night long and continued into the morning. She developed a passion for these events and spent entire nights dancing to techno and ambient music. Her rave habit did eventually cause her studies to suffer and she withdrew for a semester in order to get herself back on track. She also started waitressing full-time at a Thai restaurant across the street from her apartment in order to support herself.
Upon graduation, Jennifer secured her first job with the Vermont-based company Burton Snowboards. Burton hired her for her French-speaking skills as a customer service representative for Canada. As a perk, Burton gave every employee a season pass to Stowe Mountain Resort and equipment to ride. Jennifer made full use of these and rode every morning from the running of the first chairlift until it was time to drive back to town to start her shift at noon. It was a college graduate’s dream job. The company was full of hip, young people. Knowing that this would probably be one of the only work environments in which it would be permissible to do so, Jennifer left her long red curls un-brushed for months, letting them form into dreadlocks which had always been a fantasy of hers. The overall persona of the company was laid-back, although very productive, and at the peak of the season could be very stressful. There was no dress code and many employees brought their dogs to work. Jennifer had been hired as a seasonal employee and considered taking a full time position with the women’s outerwear department.
Jennifer was still pursuing her theatrical career while working at Burton. She had performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Fest the previous summer in the critically acclaimed production “Saucy Jack and the Space Vixins.” The cast and crew had been awarded the Fringe First Award for their campishly provocative production of a cabaret murder mystery set in the future. She played the role of Chesty Prospects in this debut hit show. Later that year, her “Saucy Jack” friends decided to bring the show Stateside and she was cast in this production as Anna Labia, the innocent ingénue. Once her seasonal contract with Burton expired, Jennifer yearned to perform full-time and felt the urge to audition professionally. She started reading the call ads in Backstage, cut off her long red dreadlocks and donned the new look of a pixie cut, got some headshots made and started pounding the pavement of midtown Manhattan. Within just a few months she landed her first professional gig- a North American tour with “Cirque Ingenieux.” She was literally about to run away to the circus.
I remember you then. This brings it all back. Wonderful